Vulnerability
I’ve been a bit derailed lately in regards to blog entries. I haven’t been posting as often as I would like to, and also the posts don’t tend to follow any particular theme. I don’t know that this is necessarily a bad thing, but I’ve just realized this blog is kind of just like a junk drawer of sorts. You never really know what you’re going to find! Heck, just look at the last 10 or 20 posts. Everything from super-technical stuff, to sports, to traveling, to more serious stuff like the presidential election and just assorted thoughts on life.
That said, I do try to exercise a lot of discernment and wisdom when posting something, probably much more so than I did in my early days of blogging. I’ve been at this for four-and-a-half years, so I guess it would stand to reason that I would grow up, wise up, and just mature.
One thing I never want to do, though, is force the issue — to simply write something for the sake of writing it. I have had absolutely no shortage of things on my mind lately, and plenty of different things that I would want to write about, but I just find myself balking at the idea of actually following through with it.
This, obviously, is a public blog, and it’s part of FamTeam. So in a sense, I feel an obligation to not let the blog get too me-centered. I just… being a member of this “team,” so to speak — the family — I need to be wise about just what to share, and what is kept to myself.
When writing, I hesitate to get too personal, too vulnerable. I write in general terms about things that concern me or excite me, but I don’t get awfully specific. I mean, to a degree, but when it gets personal, that’s rarely shown here. It’s not that these things don’t exist; it’s just I’m not so sure about publicizing them.
The end result is that this only reflects a part of me, I guess. I think what it DOES reflect is totally accurate. I mean, I try to be as straightforward and honest as I can be when I do write about something. But since I do that, then a lot of the worries, weaknesses, and general concerns I have are just left out of the mix altogether.
In that sense, I guess this blog, and these entries, don’t tell the full story. Maybe that’s fine, though. I mean, there is obviously some threshold, some level of privacy that should be kept. It wouldn’t be very wise to just be completely loose about what I put up here, just unfiltered and straight from my head. If that were the approach, this thing would look very different! It would probably be much more interesting, for sure, but… maybe not so wise. 
So basically, the “I’m scared by this,” “I’m upset about this,” or “I’m heartbroken because of this” posts just simply never see the light of day. It’s not that those thoughts don’t exist, that I don’t get worried or mad or emotional, but I just don’t know how good of an idea it would be to put that out for the whole world to see.
I guess the end result could be some bland posts, if I’m afraid to get too vulnerable or introduce my feelings into the mix. I hope that’s not the case. I suppose it’s just a balancing act, to figure out what is smart to write about, and what other things are good to keep.
I’m learning as I go here. Blogs haven’t been around very long, and there’s not a whole lot of precedent for something like this. I do realize, that, like it or not, I’ve been placed as one of the oldest members of this large family, and we’ve become, to some degree anyway, public figures or celebrities.
I understand that when you’re a human-interest story, people are very much interested in getting to know you, to find out what makes you tick. So people may be more interested in finding out what WE are doing, what WE are feeling.
So I’m going to try to seriously consider just what direction to take this in. I do know that it can be very difficult to be vulnerable. I mean, when you have the option of shaping the message and controlling what goes out there, why would you WANT to come off as not having it all together, not being supremely confident, not having all of the answers?
But then, I think people realize that everybody is human, is imperfect, has weaknesses. They may not expect you to be unshakable or to never be uncertain. I think most people can relate to the feelings of uncertainty, of worrying, of having weak spots. I know I’m certainly imperfect. The trouble is, it’s just really, really hard to purposely go out there and say, “Hey, look-it! I’m… ” — whatever — “I’m scared.” “I’m weak.” “I’m mad.” “I’m lazy.”
In fact, from my own personal experience, I have found out that the more human somebody seems, the more I can relate to them. Even with my mom and dad — just realizing that they aren’t superhuman, that they have wants and needs just like all of us. It makes me all the more impressed at how they can choose to look beyond themselves, and their own feelings, and be so selfless.
I think the fact of the matter is we can ALL relate to vulnerability in some sense or another. And the more human somebody seems — the more you look at them and realize that, “Hey, they’re just like me!” — I think that gives you more respect for them and, in turn, gives them more credibility.
To kind of get back to my original point a little bit — when there is a “drought” in entries, it really can be due to a number of things. Sometimes it’s as simple as having nothing good to say. Other times, it’s just being too busy. But enough times, it’s just being kind of worried about something. As I haven’t made a habit of gushing forth with the nitty-gritty details of what is upsetting me, this usually just ends up meaning I’ll skip on an entry altogether. Since I don’t typically cry or yell over things, oftentimes I’ll just say… nothing.
Anyway, like I said, I’m pretty much learning as I go here. I NEVER want to give off the impression that I’m perfect, or that I never get shaken, but, gee… it’s just hard to purposely show off your faults, isn’t it??